Yay Me!

Can I just say that I'm proud of myself?

I'm proud of myself!

I'm not who I want to be yet. But I'm getting so close! Step by step!
I'm learning not to be afraid anymore. I mean. Sure I still get scared all the time. But now I have a better way of dealing with it.
For the record, pushing everything off and hiding in bed is NOT a good way to go. Neither is yelling at Travis.

I gave a presentation today. It would of been so easy to blow it off and take a failed grade for the assignment. But I actually PREPARED. And THEN I went through with it. People. This is HUGE for me.

I drove home. In the RAIN. I felt in control when the wind was actually fighting my car. Yes. This is a BIG deal.

I had a conversation with a stranger! A friendly one, with laughter. I did NOT feel stupid afterward. I did NOT obsess over how awkward I am. HUGE!!!

I must really come off as a calm person or something because whenever I talk about these "fears" people never seem to understand the anxiety, the all night torture, over every little uncomfortable detail that happens in my day. Over every imperfection. Over each one of a thousand comparisons I make between myself and other people. I quite literally beat myself to a bloody little pulp. And every morning I mope around trying to pick up all my mushy pieces. Or I did.

I'm becoming comfortable being me.

I thought I was comfortable in high school, but you take away the push up bra and I have to go through the process all over again. haha

I just said that to make you feel awkward.

But its quite literally true. My wonderful self confidence in high school was purely based on image supported by the many boyfriends who adored me. I was very prideful and I stumbled quite a ways down when I came to BYU.

Three years later and I'm climbing back up! On a much sturdier foundation, if I may add. Yeah!

I'm not there yet. But I'm learning. And it is, oh so exciting.