Can't Sleep

Life has been good to me.

Trav's in bed.

The Amber Spyglass is disturbing me. I don't even want to read it anymore.
It's bothering me. In the first book, Lyra was AWESOME.
In the second book, she was slipping. And now she's a brat. Look, kid. I'm sorry your friend died. But going over to the Land of the Dead to apologize isn't gonna change anything.
It's like she's digressing. Is that even a word or did I just make that up?
That's why the book troubles me, I think. There's no progress. No growth. Just a big fall and everyone is doomed.
Poor Mr. Scoresby. Poor Iorek...

Earlier today, Travis unpacked some of his stuff from Peru. I searched through his journals a bit but not thoroughly. I wasn't emotionally prepared to see him happy with someone else.
But the glimpses I did see and read made me curious about how I wrote of my old boyfriends.

I started going through all my journals from high school.
As expected, I found that the love I had for those boys was empty.
Unexpectedly, however, I found that almost every single entry was driven by rage, anger and hatred. I wrote almost everyday.

No wonder I lost so many friends when I searched to bring virtue back into my life. I was making a complete turn around. They thought I was fighting who I really was. They couldn't relate.

But really, now that I look back on it, I was only circling back to who I once was.
I don't think I was always an angry person. I think, in high school, I was just recovering from a life with mom.

There was a time where I was innocent, free-spirited, adventurous, fearless and loving. I was open-minded, curious, and saw beauty in everyone. I had a short temper and there was a fighter in me. Or as Julia would remember, a spitter. I always believed in progress. I knew there was a purpose in my life.

In high school, I forgot who I was. I lost sight of my purpose.

My innocence is recovering well. I never lost nor forgot my free spirit or my taste for adventure, but I am well acquainted with fear now. I really do love those around me but sometimes I forget that love in my even shorter temper. I'd like to think I'm open-minded but sometimes judgment clouds even the keenest sight.

Like this very instant, I'm struggling to see the logic in my neighbors above me, dancing to music at one in the morning.

I'm losing my words...

I guess my point is, that I'm in a happier place now. Healthier too. I'm still recovering but I know who I am now.

I need to go back to my darling husband in the other room.
I forgot that I love my neighbors and need to escape these thumps before I lose control of that pleasant temper of mine.